"I'd never thought that marriage wouldn't be 50-50 after so much time dating. Once we moved in together, it was hard to manage each others wants and needs. Then, my Grandmother told me this nugget of wisdom: "Marriage is never 50-50. Some days, you'll wake up and only be able to give 10%, other days they will wake up ready to give 25%. You'll never be able to sense it - you're not a mind reader. You have to talk about it and be honest."
Perhaps you're already moved in together prior to the wedding, and perhaps you're waiting to move in until afterwards. Either way, this advice is the same, my friends. Whether it be from stress, illness, or something else weighing on their mind - your spouse will never be able to give you 100% of themselves, everyday. It doesn't leave any energy for them to exist. You're partners in truth and in name, and partners in marriage must recognize the ebb and flow, the give and take that is congruent with such a relationship. Sure, it isn't exactly like being with a co-worker, sorting out a project. I'll tell you a secret though: the only difference is that your spouse knows you physically, whereas your co-worker does not.
You're marrying the love of your life so that you can share every moment spare, every intricacy, and walk together through life. You're not marrying them so you can have a live in maid, cook, or servant and I'm sure they aren't marrying you for that reason either. So, you're going to have to work together. This doesn't mean if they do one chore, you do one. It's about learning when they can, and when you can; such a thing requires intense communication between spouses. You can't expect them to have space open during the weekend to help you garden if you don't ask them. You also can't expect them to do half of it, just because they're your spouse. If they worked especially hard that week, small praise of them helping you even 10% goes a long way. For all intents and purposes, you would have done it anyway with or without their help. Even the smallest amount of effort counts towards a successful marriage.
Remember, it's not about counting how many things they've done for you, or how hard they've tried. If you know your spouse is trying their hardest in their current condition and circumstances (stress from work, illness, family obligations, etc.) be sure to tell them so. Feeling rewarded for loving you will extend your blissfulness far into your marital future. Small tokens of appreciation like notes and kisses, thank yous and hugs for helping will help your spouse feel wanted, instead of chattel. You'll find as time goes on, and the more open and honest your communication about your wants and needs of them for the day, week, month, and year, that they will be more willing to give this time and energy to you.
A good way of expressing your needs is to simply ask. Set a small time aside each day, or even each week, and discuss what you want from them - it can range help in the garden, help shuttling your children to and from baseball games, to even help feeling beautiful. Make it a priority to discuss this in percentages if it works for you. An example would be, "I need you to help me mow the lawn on Friday. I know you might be tired from work, but I can't do it all myself. How much energy (or time) can you set aside for me?" If your spouse knows you'd like them to help, they probably will think of it before going out late with friends the night before, and subsequently dragging through work on Friday, only to have 10% of energy left to help you with that lawn. But, be flexible. Sometimes, those late night friend emergencies can't wait, and things come up at work. If they can offer only so much, be grateful for what is given. With praise, love, and devotion expressed towards your helpmeet for doing their spousal duties, it will become clear that this is the kind of loving action that spans decades. Even when you're too tired or ill to express yourself physically, or too mentally stressed to express it emotionally, the love of action speaks volumes.
You're marrying the love of your life so that you can share every moment spare, every intricacy, and walk together through life. You're not marrying them so you can have a live in maid, cook, or servant and I'm sure they aren't marrying you for that reason either. So, you're going to have to work together. This doesn't mean if they do one chore, you do one. It's about learning when they can, and when you can; such a thing requires intense communication between spouses. You can't expect them to have space open during the weekend to help you garden if you don't ask them. You also can't expect them to do half of it, just because they're your spouse. If they worked especially hard that week, small praise of them helping you even 10% goes a long way. For all intents and purposes, you would have done it anyway with or without their help. Even the smallest amount of effort counts towards a successful marriage.
Remember, it's not about counting how many things they've done for you, or how hard they've tried. If you know your spouse is trying their hardest in their current condition and circumstances (stress from work, illness, family obligations, etc.) be sure to tell them so. Feeling rewarded for loving you will extend your blissfulness far into your marital future. Small tokens of appreciation like notes and kisses, thank yous and hugs for helping will help your spouse feel wanted, instead of chattel. You'll find as time goes on, and the more open and honest your communication about your wants and needs of them for the day, week, month, and year, that they will be more willing to give this time and energy to you.
A good way of expressing your needs is to simply ask. Set a small time aside each day, or even each week, and discuss what you want from them - it can range help in the garden, help shuttling your children to and from baseball games, to even help feeling beautiful. Make it a priority to discuss this in percentages if it works for you. An example would be, "I need you to help me mow the lawn on Friday. I know you might be tired from work, but I can't do it all myself. How much energy (or time) can you set aside for me?" If your spouse knows you'd like them to help, they probably will think of it before going out late with friends the night before, and subsequently dragging through work on Friday, only to have 10% of energy left to help you with that lawn. But, be flexible. Sometimes, those late night friend emergencies can't wait, and things come up at work. If they can offer only so much, be grateful for what is given. With praise, love, and devotion expressed towards your helpmeet for doing their spousal duties, it will become clear that this is the kind of loving action that spans decades. Even when you're too tired or ill to express yourself physically, or too mentally stressed to express it emotionally, the love of action speaks volumes.
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